Should you stop giving advice?
Have you ever wondered why no one listens to you? You give advice; then they run off and do whatever they want.
Everyone has something to say, but rarely do advice-seekers jump on the bandwagon right away. In my field, this sentiment is incredibly commonplace. I’m often asked about the best diet, the best exercises, the best way to cultivate discipline, etcetera. It’s a rarity when someone actually adopts my advice the first time I offer it.
This doesn’t make my advice less poignant, less credible, or make my input less valuable. After all, they wouldn’t be asking for help they didn’t value my expertise. If experience has taught me anything, it’s that everyone has their own set of hangups. You have no idea what internal monologue is playing along with the chatter from the multitude of people they surveyed to solve their problem. In the end, what they do is none of your concern. Let the pressure off.
Be A Lighthouse.
You’ll guide more ships to safe harbor than frantically swimming after them.
Many times over my career I’ve had people come to me for help losing weight, but not espouse my advise for months (even years). Early on, I’d chase after them. I’d continue ramming my advice down their throats until they either listened, or faded into the mist. Not only, was that unnecessarily stressful for me, but it damaged these relationships and lessened the impact I had. I internalized the lack of reception as a personal slight and it colored future interactions with the person. Many people simply stop giving advice to avoid the headache, but I chose to introspect. I needed validation, I was controlling, and I felt responsible for ensuring the advice was followed to the letter.
The hardest lesson I’ve learned in regard to giving advice: When it’s truly in service of others, it’s always quality over quantity. When advice is given in service of yourself, it’s self-aggrandizement over the betterment of others.
Ghandi has been quoted as saying, “be the change you wish to see in the world”. No quote could be more applicable for this scenario. Offering advice is simple, but living that advice and doing well speaks louder than your mouth ever will. Life as a lighthouse is significantly easier. People don’t stop seeking guidance just because it becomes too costly for you to take them on. Stand tall, shine like a beacon for living well, and watch the boats come and go. When I’m asked for advice these days, I offer the most succinct, neatly articulated advice I can and leave it at that.
Not everyone is ready to hear the hard truths, it’s not up to me to enforce a life change, and that shouldn’t keep me from planting the seed.
Opinions Are Like A-holes...
Similarly to those seeking advice who don’t take it, there are a sea of people who seemingly need your assistance but aren’t asking for it. Often, it’s a testament to my intestinal fortitude to hold back unsolicited advice. Whether I’m watching in horror at the fellow launching an assault on his rotator cuffs bench pressing improperly in the gym, or I’m standing in the checkout line at the grocery store with someone who is complaining how they can’t lose weight with a cart full of potato chips and Twinkies. Again, it serves you better to “be the lighthouse”. Unsolicited advice is often even less likely to be well-received, or adopted, than solicited advice.
Superficially it may seem that offering advice to Mr. Bench Press, or Mrs. Twinkie Cart, might be in their best interests, but what do I know? This could be Mr. Bench Press’s first time to the gym in years. My judgement only embarrasses him and drives him away from the gym again. Mrs. Twinkie Cart might need to buy those Twinkies as the “last straw” before she makes a huge life change. If I divert her from buying them, she might just be delaying her life change and develop Type-II diabetes. We don’t know what others are experiencing; by inserting our unsolicited opinion, we may be altering a course that is vital to their progression. Wait to be invited to the conversation. You don’t actually know it all.
This goes for others in your life as well. Others will always insert themselves into your life via their perceptions of best/worst and right/wrong. It is your right to impose healthy boundaries and ask that they step back and respect your decisions, even if they don’t agree (within reason).
You Are Not Invalid.
None of this circumstance has any bearing on the validity of either party. It is important to bear in mind that we are all individuals living our lives in the best way we know how. We have unique experiences, we have our own way of coping with life, and we all want to feel good about the life we’ve led.
Advice and opinions come and go with the wind. What I tell my clients today may change in 5 years, and what your judgmental aunt Susan says might change with her life experience. Likewise, the advice you offer others may change . The only permanent is that you can “BE THE LIGHTHOUSE”. Live your life well;advic and offer guidance to the best of your abilities upon request without expectation or strings attached. Like a newspaper, you can only put it out there. You can’t expect anything in return.
Be The Beacon.
Good Luck and Stay Buff,
-Elizabeth