Addicted to Dieting: My Story
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WEREN’T TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT?
Before 2019, I couldn’t tell you the last time I wasn’t on one diet or another. I was overweight my entire childhood and ballooned further upward into my mid-twenties. It seemed like I was always trying to reign in my eating. I vacillated heavily between starving and binge eating. I was always looking for the next diet to try. My family denigrated me for my weight; even going so far as to put a lock on the fridge. I never felt in control of my eating habits and I always felt like such a failure when I fell off the wagon.
In 2010, I went through a massive life overhaul. I stepped away from a 7-year long toxic relationship. I was briefly homeless; relying on the charity of friends and the local bar scene to make my life seem okay. During this time, I starved myself. Initially, it wasn’t purposeful. I didn’t eat because I was experiencing a volatile cocktail of stress and grief like I’d never known before.
After my pants almost fell off in front of a crowd of people, I “came to” and decided maybe it was time to check in with my weight. I hadn’t weighed myself in about 3 months but I knew I wasn’t eating, although I was drinking heavily. When I stepped on the scale I was flabbergasted. I had lost 34 pounds!! I was exuberant. I couldn't believe I’d lost that much weight that fast. Starvation and binge drinking seemed to be my ticket to “skinny”. So… I ploughed on. I intentionally kept starving myself. I waited to the whole day just so I could numb myself into oblivion after the sun went down. I even started exercising to expedite the process. Primarily, I ran and biked. I knew that cardio was considered to be good for burning a ton of calories. I exercised every chance I got and eventually I found my way down to 132 pounds. I’d lost 70 pounds!
After about 8 months of this endless cycle of self-destructive behavior, someone suggested that I become a personal trainer because I’d successfully lost weight (they didn’t know the “how”). I needed a job, so I gave it a shot. At the time, I remember thinking that I would probably be a terrible trainer and that I had no idea what I was doing. Unbeknownst to me, it was my life’s calling.
Flash forward to 2019, after working my way out of the unhealthy hell I’d created for myself, I managed to gain about 20 pounds of muscle back, but I had started religiously tracking my calories and macros. I was constantly fighting gaining any more weight, and I was terrified of getting fat again. Believe it or not, I was right back to where I started. I lived in constant fear and consistently dieted even though I was incredibly healthy and looked great!
For close to a decade, I tracked the calories and macros for every single thing that went into my mouth. I was obsessive and compulsive with it. Then came the moment… the brightest light bulb moment ever. During a candid video shoot, I realized just how long I had been addicted to dieting. My days were made or broken by the number on the scale and whether I strictly adhered to my macros or not. It was sick. I realized that I’d come full circle in a different body. I was still F***CKING DIETING!
In that moment, I stopped. I made the decision to stop tracking my food, eat healthily, eat intuitively, and learn to love my body.
I genuinely experienced withdrawals from not tracking my food. I would have panic attacks feeling like I was getting fat again, I would track part of my day just to feel better, I still weighed in compulsively to make sure I wasn’t gaining weight. I was like an addict detoxing from drugs! It was amazing just how addicted I was to micromanaging my intake, but finally I accomplished my goal. I broke up with food tracking and the scale. I set about loving myself for what I was capable of; not how I felt I looked.
My personal training website changed, my outlook changed, and my self-worth skyrocketed. I wish I’d had someone share this care and wisdom with me earlier in my life. Self-love…. It’s a powerful thing. My worth is no longer based on my weight, the number of calories I consume, or how many hours I fast. My worth is based on how well I love myself.
Am I eating things that help me stay healthy?
Am I working out to stay physically fit?
Am I focusing on being my best self?
Resoundingly, yes.
You can see a few changes in the picture, but very few. All my fears were for naught when I started putting my health and wellness over my data.
Will I ever diet again? Probably. I might want to shred up for a special event, or just to play with my aesthetic but after breaking this unhealthy addiction to dieting I will never allow it to determine my self-worth.
— This is just my story.
Stay buff,
-E